GALAXY QUEST
BY
David Howard
Robert Gordon
5/04/99 (GOLDENROD) 5,7,12,13,16,17,19,27,27A,33B,38,53,55,58,
60-70C, 71-72,85,117
4/29/99 (GREEN)
4/28/99 (YELLOW)
4/26/99 (PINK)
4/20/99 (BLUE)
4/19/99 SHOOTING DRAFT
THIS MATERIAL IS THE PROPERTY OF DREAMWORKS PICTURES AND IS
INTENDED AND RESTRICTED SOLELY FOR DREAMWORKS PERSONNEL.
DISTRIBUTION OR DISCLOSURE OF THIS MATERIAL TO UNAUTHORIZED
PERSONS IS PROHIBITED. THE SALE, COPYING OR REPROUCTION OF THIS
MATERIAL IN ANY FORM IS ALSO PROHIBITED
1 EXT. OUTER SPACE
The vastness of space. Suddenly a hole in the sky opens with a
flash and a SPACESHIP rumbles into view. ON its hull the letters
NSEA PROTECTOR. Magnificent, though on closer inspection it
shudders ever so slightly, denoting pre-CGI model work on a
budget. We're watching a TV show.
LAREDO (V.0.)
We're exiting the time knot now sir!
2. INT. NSEA PROTECTOR COMMAND DECK - SPACE
5 Members of the crew of the NSEA PROTECTOR sit in the large
circa - 1979-"high-tech" cabin. All of them human except for DR.
LAZARUS, a purple reptilian-looking alien. LAREDO is 9. The
crewmates exchange relieved smiles.
FRED
We're alive.
LAREDO
We made it Commander, we made it!
LAZARUS (THE ALIEN)
By Grabthar's hammer, we live to tell the tale.
COMPUTER (0.S.)
Systems register functional.
GWEN
All systems are working, Commander. Commander?
They all turn to look at THE COMMANDER, who turns to reveal
himself dramatically. Good looking. His acting is classic
Charlton Heston take-no-prisoners style. He looks around the
command deck, worried, almost sniffing the air.
COMMANDER
I don't like it. It was too easy... Look for ambient energy
fields.
LAREDO
All normal sir... The entire spectrum.
COMMANDER
Check again Laredo.
LAREDO
Yes sir, I- Wait. Oh no.
His radar lights up with dots. First a few, then HUNDREDS.
LAREDO
They're everywhere. There are time knots opening everywhere.
LAZARUS
IMPACT NOW Commander
Suddenly an EXPLOSION rocks the ship.
GWEN
A trap.
LAZARUS.
We're surrounded Commander. The entire 5k Ranking is out there.
COMMANDER
Our plasma armor?
LAREDO
Gone sir.
Another BLAST rocks the room.
COMPUTER (O.S.)
Structural damage at 68 percent.
GWEN
We're getting major structural damage.
FRED
It's a core meltdown sir. It can't be stopped
The Commander turns to his advisor, Lazarus.
LAZARUS
Commander, surrender may be our only option.
COMMANDER
No, never give up... NEVER surrender.'
GWEN
The reactor has eaten through four levels... Six levels... The
ship is disintegrating
LAREDO
Your orders sir?... Sir, your orders?
The Commander walks into close up; Steely determination.
COMMANDER
Activate the Omega 13.
The crewmates exchange expectant and terrified glances. CLOSE UP
of a crewman's hand as he operates a series controls which in
turn opens five layers of mechanical locks revealing a serious
looking lever. The Commander pulls that lever. A MACHINE Is
revealed, rising from the floor in the middle of the room. It
begins to GLOW. Cut to each actor in turn reacting dramatically.
Then suddenly.. THE PICTURE GOES WHITE, LEADER LEADER NUMBERS
APPEAR, with a STUDIO COPYRIGHT notice.
CUT TO:
3 HUNDREDS OF FACES
ENTHRALLED LEGIONS of mostly spotty faced male adolescent FANS
staring into camera. For a moment all is silent. A few are
sobbing. Then a BURST OF THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE... We're at a
SCIENCE FICTION CONVENTION. The enthusiastic crowd of FANS
continue cheering as the master of ceremonies GUY takes the
stage.
GUY
Well, there you are! You are the first people to see the lost
GALAXY QUEST episode 52 two parter since it was originally aired
in '82! As most of you know, no concluding episode was filmed
when the series was cancelled, so one episode was never included
in the syndication run. Let's hear it for Travis Latke, who
actually rescued the footage from the studio garbage! Can you
believe that?
(Latke stands, fans cheer)
Now for the moment you've all been waiting for... The intrepid
crew of the
NSEA PROTECTOR!
But a STAGEHAND in the wings signals for Guy to "stretch."
GUY
But first... What is a "hero"? Let's take a look at a few more
clips...
4 BACKSTAGE
Here we meet the REAL LIFE ACTORS all dressed as their TV alter
egos... GWEN DEMARCO, beautiful, in a sexy and improbable body
suit. ALEXANDER DANE, (DR. LAZARUS) wearing green alien
prosthetic makeup. FRED KWAN, calm, sitting on an
apple box reading the paper. TOMMY "LAREDO" WEBBER, the youngest
of the group.
TOMMY
Where the hell is he? An hour and a half late. An hour and a
half!
GWEN
(looks through curtain)
This is great! They're going to start eating each other out
there.
ALEXANDER (OFFSCREEN)
He's a twit!
TOMMY
Oh, and did you hear he booked another fan appearance without us?
GWEN
You're kidding. When for?
TOMMY
Tomorrow morning, before the store opening.
ALEXANDER (OFFSCREEN)
He's a miserable twit!
GWEN
The guy is terminally selfish!
FRED
He ate my sandwich.
GWEN AND TOMMY
What?
FRED
A month ago, he ate my sandwich.
TOMMY
And he ate Fred's SANDWICH!
Gwen turns to notice Alexander staring into a makeup mirror, eyes
roaming over his alien green makeup and scaly rubber features
with a mournful expression.
GWEN
Oh Alex, get away from that thing...
ALEXANDER
Dear God.... How did I come to this?
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
TOMMY
Not again...
ALEXANDER
I played Richard III...
FRED
"Five curtain calls...
ALEXANDER
...Five curtain calls! I was an ACTOR once, damn it. Now look at
me... LOOK AT ME.
TOMMY
Settle down, Alex...
ALEXANDER
No. I can't go out there! I won't say that ridiculous catch
phrase one more time. I won't. I can't!
GWEN
At least you had a PART. You had a character people loved! My TV
Guide interview was six paragraphs about this body suit. About
my legs. How did I perfect my trademark sidesaddle pose? Nobody
ever bothered to ask what I DO on the ship...
FRED
You were the, uh... Wait I'll think of it...
GWEN
I repeated the computer. "It's getting hotter, Commander!" "The
ship is disintegrating, Commander!" Nothing I did EVER affected
the plot, not ONCE! Nothing I did was ever taken seriously!
TOMMY
Excuse me. I'm an African American playing a nine year old
Malaysian named Laredo. HELLO!
Suddenly the rear stage doors open and JASON NESMITH ("The
Commander") strolls in, all exuberance and charm.
JASON
My friends, your Commander has arrived!... Am I too late for
Alexander's panic attack?...(looks at Alex) Apparently so.
(inspects a mole on Alex's neck) That's irregular, you should
have it looked at. (looks at Fred's paper) Lakers are HOT.
Speaking of which... Gwen, you look spectacular.
(they all glare at him)
Oh, what did I do now?
5 CONVENTION STAGE On the stage, Guy continues to stall...
GUY
... Sure, the rocks looked hollow and the sets moved when anyone
humped into them... But we didn't care...
FILM CLIPS are projected behind him: On an alien planet THE
Commander carries the LIMP BODY OF HIS ADVISOR, LAZARUS, ray guns
erupting around him... On the command deck the crew fights a
space battle with crack precision TEAMWORK...
GUY (CONTINUED)
....For those four seasons from '79 to '82 we the viewers
developed the same affection for the crew of the NSEA PROTECTOR
that the crew had for each other... These weren't just
adventurers exploring space, these were friends...
6 BACKSTAGE - The others surround JASON, fighting.
TOMMY
You said we do appearances together, or not at all.'
JASON
I didn't say that. I said "wouldn't it be great if we could
always, work together." That's what I said.
GWEN
Unbelievable.
TOMMY
You are so full of shit
JASON
A few fans built a little set in their garage. . I come in for
an hour at most. It's a nothing.
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
GWEN
How much of a nothing? Not enough to split five ways kind of a
nothing?
JASON
What do you want me to say, Gwen?... They wanted the Commander.
Suddenly bright light streams in. They all turn to see ALEXANDER
skulking out the exit. A beat, then they all run to catch
Alexander, TACKLING HIM.
7 ONSTAGE -
Guy gets a thumbs up cue from a stagehand and begins to introduce
the cast, to the delight of the applauding FANS.
GUY
Okay, here we go... Let's hear a warm welcome for crack
gunner/navigator. Laredo, Tommy Webber!
Tommy comes bounding out with a big smile, his hair mussed.
Behind him is a film clip of young LAREDO in action.
TOMMY (FILM CLIP) AS LAREDO
"If it's got quantum rockets, I can fly it."
GUY
Ship's Tech Sergeant Chen... Fred Kwan!
Fred strolls out with a casual wave.
FRED AS CHEN
"Give me a stick of gum and a hairpin and we re on our way!"
8 BACKSTAGE -
Gwen and Jason are wrestling on the ground with Alexander.
GWEN
Alex you can't -just leave.
ALEXANDER
Oh can't I? Watch me!
JASON
Come on, old friend...
ALEXANDER
Friend. You stole all my best lines. You cut me out of episode
two entirely!..
GUY (O.S. FROM THE STAGE)
The beautiful shipmate Tawny Madison... GWEN DEMARCO!
9 ONSTAGE -
Gwen takes the stage noticeably ruffled. In the film clip, Tawny
Madison looks around the cabin fearfully.
COMPUTER
One hundred degrees and rising...
GWEN AS TAWNY MADISON
"It's... It's getting hotter, Commander.'"
Many "appreciative" WHISTLES. Gwen forces a smile.
GUY
And now... The Commander's advisor and closest friend. His
peaceful nature ever at odds with the savage warrior inside him,
after witnessing the massacre of his entire species as a boy...
We see a splitscreen shot of Alexander, one mild mannered, the
other a savage beast of vengeance, tearing into a foe.
10 BACKSTAGE - Jason still in a wrestling match with
Alexander.
JASON
You WILL go out there.
ALEXANDER
I won't and nothing you say-
JASON
"The show must go on."
ALEXANDER
...Damn you! Damn you!
GUY (cont'd) (O.S.)
"Dr. Lazarus of Tev'meck"... Alexander Dane
11 ON STAGE -
Alex bounds up on stage, bowing deep with grace and humility.
The stage trained British actor.
ALEX AS LAZARUS ONSCREEN
"By Grabthar's hammer, you shall be avenged.'"
Alex cringes, desperately unhappy
GUY
And finally, my fellow Questarians, the brave Commander of the
NSEA PROTECTOR... Peter Quincy Taggart ... JASON NESMITH.
Jason appears and a SPOTLIGHT follows him.
TOMMY
Unbelievable. He rented a SPOT?
Jason raises his fist encouraging the FANS to cry out...
JASON/JASON ON SCREEN/EVERYONE
"NEVER GIVE UP, NEVER SURRENDER... DAMN THE RESONANCE CANNONS,
FULL SPEED AHEAD.'"
The fans go crazy. The actors exchange glances.
GUY
The Commander and his crew will be signing autographs on imperial
decks "b" and "c" near the coke machines.
12 CONVENTION HALLWAY
It's quiet. We're on FOUR PAIRS OF BOOTS walking down the
hallway. We PAN UP to reveal FIVE SERIOUS LOOKING YOUNG PEOPLE,
4 men and a woman, clean cut as Disneyland employees and
impeccably outfitted in GALAXY QUEST style uniforms. Something
odd about them you can't quite put your finger on.. For now we'll
refer to them as THE PECULIAR FANS.
13 CONVENTION HALL
We move with the PECULIAR FANS as they enter the bustling
convention floor, making their way past the numerous FANS dressed
as their favorite GALAXY QUEST characters... through the various
booths selling GALAXY QUEST and other Si-fi memorabilia, catching
snippets of conversation along the way: They pass two
ELABORATELY COSTUMED ALIEN FANS talking.
ALIEN
...Yeah, I used to De Gark'nor of Ang but I got a rash from the
chest pads so now I'm Sacnod from episode 5, which is fine except
the transducer pinches when I sit down...
... They pass a group of particularly EARNEST FANS at a vendor's
booth, also costumed as the five GALAXY QUEST leads. Their
leader, BRANDON WHEEGER, inspects a seller's model of the
DEFENDER, contemptuously.
BRANDON
The tail fin is concave, not convex. The proton reactor is where
the influx thermistors should be and.. my god... is this Testor's
blue green number six on the hull?
(drops the model roughly)
I... I... This is a complete abortion.
With curious glances to this similarly uniformed group, the
PECULIAR FANS move past, then come to a halt as they spot JASON,
up on a raised platform at the front of the hall signing
autographs for a long line of fans. The peculiar fans stare at
Jason as to they were in the presence of God. They exchange
astonished smiles, then start toward him...
THE CAST TABLE
Tommy, Alexander and Fred sign autographs at a row of tables near
Jason, but significantly lower than his perch.
TOMMY
Is it me or does his table get higher every convention?
One of many fans dressed as "Dr. Lazarus" steps up to Alexander
and salutes him with crossed fists.
FAN
"By Grabthar's hammer, by the suns of Warvan, I shall avenge
you!"
Alexander ignores this, grabs the photo from his hand, signs it,
thrusts it back. The next fan steps up.
FAN
"By Grabthar's hammer, by the-"
He signs and thrusts it back before he can even finish.
ALEXANDER
Next!
Guy (the MC) approaches the actors at their tables.
GUY
Hi everybody.
TOMMY
Hey. Thanks for one nice intro... uh.
GUY
Guy... You probably don't remember me do you? (They stare
blankly) I was on the show in '82. Episode 31? Got killed by
the lava monster before the first commercial? "Crewman #6?"
The actors pretend that they remember him. "oh, right! Guy!"
GUY
Listen, I was wondering, would you guys mind if I sit in today?
See if anybody's interested in an autograph? Never know.
GWEN
Sure, Guy, If you can stand the excitement.
Two more FANS dressed as Alexander's character approach him,
proudly CHATTERING at him in the Mak'tar language.
ALEXANDER
Don't make me get a restraining order.
ACROSS THE ROOM
THE PECULIAR FANS are making their way through the crowd toward
Jason. We suddenly notice something very strange; THE LEFT HAND
of the tallest one is flickering between a normal hand and A HAND
WITH SEVEN LONG BLUE TENTACLES FOR FINGERS. The LEADER notices
and motions to the afflicted man who raps sharply against a metal
blinking box on his belt. The hand becomes normal again. He looks
up, nods at the leader. From now on we'll refer to these 5 as THE
ALIENS.
AT THE CAST TABLE - Guy now sits with the others, forlorn. No
fans are in line for his autograph. He watches as Fred fields
questions from the group or fans led by BRANDON.
BRANDON
Mr. Kwan? In episode nineteen, when the reactor fused, you used
an element from Leopold Six to fix the quantum rockets. What was
that called?
FRED
Bivrakium.
BRANDON
The blue sheath it was encased in-?
FRED
A bi-thermal krevlite housing.
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
Brandon makes a note, thanks him and exits with his group.
GUY
How do you remember this stuff?
FRED
Oh I make it up. Use lots of "k"s and "v"s.
A male FAN moves up to Gwen, hands her a picture to sign.
FAN
I'm a big fan Ms. Demarco.
Gwen looks at the photo, nonplussed.
GWEN
You really expect me to sign a naked picture of myself? This
isn't even my body!
FAN
Yeah, normally with fakes it's like, recycle bin. But.. This
one's really good.
(Gwen sighs, starts to sign)
Could you not write over the... Thanks.
A fan finally approaches Guy who looks up eagerly. The fan looks
at him quizzically, trying to place him.
GUY
Episode 12. (gets no reaction) Killed by the lava monster?..
FAN
(turns to Tommy)
Laredo, could I get an autograph?
Guy shrugs, disappointed. Gwen gives him a comforting look, then
looks across at
JASON ON HIS PERCH
Talking dramatically to a group of fans. A YOUNG BOY watches WIDE
EYED.
JASON
... on one hand, if I had moved an inch, the beast would have
killed me. On the other hand, my crew was in danger...
YOUNG BOY
How did you know what to do?
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
JASON
Without a crew, I'm not a Commander.
He pulls down on the kid's cap.
JASON
And we all know what happened to that beast on Enok 7...
The fans make happy nerdy "we sure do" noises.
CASTMEMBERS TABLE
Gwen shakes her head appreciatively.
GWEN
You gotta admit, they do love him.
TOMMY
Almost as much as he loves himself.
They watch as Jason fields another question from a fan.
JASON
I'm glad you asked... To me the most important qualities of a
Galaxy Explorer are loyalty...
ALEXANDER
... to camera center no matter whose shot you're blocking...
JASON
Leadership....
TOMMY
... to make sure craft service keeps those little butter cookies,
and plenty of them-
JASON
And determination.
GWEN
... to playing scenes shirtless because the ladies do love
Commander furry.
Gwen, Alex and the others try to contain their laughter.
CLOSER ANGLE - JASON'S TABLE
Bored with the constant queries of his fans, Jason glances over
to see Gwen smiling at him. She quickly looks away, self-
4/28/99 (YELLOW)
conscious. Jason doesn't even take his eyes off Gwen as BRANDON
steps forward, his brow knit with serious matters.
BRANDON
Commander, please settle a dispute that my crew and I are having.
In "The Quasar Dilemma", the Sentient had taken control of the
ship's guidance systems, however-
JASON
Excuse me guys.
Jason exits. Brandon turns to his friends, frustrated.
BRANDON
I hadn't even gotten to the relevant conundrum...
THE CAST TABLE - Gwen answers a question from a shy GIRL.
GIRL
Miss Demarco?... In episode 15, "Mist of Delos 5?" I got the
feeling you and the Commander kind of had a thing in the swamp
when you were stranded together. Did you?
GWEN
The Commander and I NEVER had a thing.
JASON (O.S.)
That's her story.
Gwen looks up to see Jason. The girl giggles and exits. Jason
smiles at Gwen.
GWEN
What?
JASON
You smiled at me.
Rolling her eves Gwen rises and walks off. Undaunted, Jason
follows, but runs into the five ALIENS. Their leader MATHESAR
bows respectfully, then follows along as Jason pursues Gwen.
MATHESAR
Commander, I must speak to you. It is a matter of supreme
importance... We are Thermians from the Klatu Nebula, and we
require your help. I beseech you to come with us, back to our
ship. A great many lives hang in the balance...
4/26/99 (PINK)
JASON
Right, If this is about the thing tomorrow you can hammer out the
details with my agent, but make sure I have a limo from my house,
they jammed me into a Toyota the last time I did one of these
MATHESAR
I... certainly, but-
JASON
Catch me later, okay?
Jason catches up to Gwen. He spins her around dramatically.
JASON
"Crewman Madison, I.. I'm sorry. Whatever I do next I have no
control over. It's the mist on this strange planet, It's filling
my head with such thoughts....
He leans in for a tortured kiss... Some fans gather, delighted by
the impromptu show. But Gwen steps aside.
GWEN
It was cute when I didn't know you.
She exits. Jason tries to pretend that doesn't hurt.
CONVENTION FLOOR
Jason moves forward, introspective, amidst the enthusiastic fans.
They all shout out questions and comments to him... But Jason
pushes past without response and takes refuge in the-
14 MEN'S ROOM
Jason enters to witness the incongruous sight of four MANK'NAR
beasts at the urinals taking a MANK'NAR piss. Jason enters a
stall and sits on the lid, trying to get a moment to think. But
two CYNICALIC 20-SOMETHINGS enter, laughing their assess off. He
can hear their voices echo from the other side.
CYNICAL GUY 1
You're right. What a FREAK SHOW. This is fricking HILARIOUS.
CYNICAL GUY 2
Yeah, what a bunch of losers. And those poor actors. They've
done, like, WHAT for twenty years? I think Fred Kwan did a dog
food commercial... Sad.
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
CYNICAL GUY 1
Did you hear Nesmith up there? That's the saddest. I think he
actually gets off on these nerds thinking he's space Commander.
It's pathetic. And his friends...
CYNICAL GUY 2
... they HATE him. I know, did you hear them ragging on him?!!
"Commander furry!..."
CYNICAL GUY 1
He has no idea that he's a laughingstock... Even to his buddies.
They exit, their laughter ringing in Jason's ears.
15 CONVENTION FLOOR - JASON'S TABLE
Jason is back at his table signing autographs in a foul mood. He
scribbles his name irritably, avoiding contact with the fans as
BRANDON and his group of aficionados approach him.
BRANDON
Commander, as I was saying... In "The Quasar Dilemma", you used
the auxiliary of deck b for Gamma override. But online blueprints
indicate deck b is independent of the guidance matrix, so we were
wondering where the error lies?
JASON
It's a television show. Okay? That's all. It's just a bunch of
fake sets, and wooden props, do you understand?
BRANDON
Yes but, we were wondering-
JASON
There IS no quantum flux and there Is no auxiliary... There's no
goddamn ship Do you get it?
Jason notices that all eyes are turned on him. The hall has
become deathly quiet. Jason rises abruptly and exits through the
hall. Brandon and the fans do their best not to take this
personally.
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
15A INT. GWEN'S HOUSE
Gwen is cooking something intricate and delicious as she talks to
Alex on the phone. Her house is tasteful and bright on a budget.
GWEN
I don't know, Alex, he's never gone quite this far before...
15B INT. ALEXANDER'S APARTMENT - NIGHT
Alexander sits at his kitchen table, applying spirit gum remover
to the edges of his alien head appliance.
ALEXANDER
I've said for years he's mentally unstable.
He stands and moves to the refrigerator. Nothing but a hunk of
very rank cheese which he sniffs disdainfully.
ALEXANDER
Oh good, there's nothing to eat.
GWEN
Why didn't you stop at the market?
ALEXANDER
(re his alien cap)
I still haven't got this bloody thing off.
GWEN
You could order something in.
ALEXANDER
A boy comes to the door.
GWEN
(a beat, back to Jason...)
I don't know... It just wasn't like him.
ALEXANDER
Yes, poor Jason. As we speak he's probably out somewhere talking
rubbish to a roomful of hangers-on. While here I sit eating
Christmas cheese in Spring.
16 INT. JASON'S BEDROOM - NIGHT
Jason sits on the edge of the bed staring at the TV, sipping
scotch, flipping channels. He stops at the conclusion of an
4/26/99 (PINK)
episode of GALAXY QUEST. As Commander Taggart makes a heroic
speech. Jason mouths the words along with his alterego.
COMMANDER TAGGART (ON TV)
As long as there is injustice, whenever a Targathian baby cries
out, wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars... We'll
be there. This fine ship, and this fine crew... Never give up!
Never surrender!
We pan back to the bed... Jason has passed out, body twisted face
down in a pillow.
17 INT. JASON'S BEDROOM - NEXT MORNING
Jason sleeps, hungover, dead to the world. His DOORBELL RINGS.
He barely moves. Every Indication is that he's dead. More
ringing. He stirs enough to groan, and drags a pillow over his
head. The ringing continues....
18 EXT. JASON'S HOUSE
Jason opens the door in his robe, drooping bloodshot eyes, squint
of a headache... There before him are THE ALIENS dressed in
their perfect GALAXY QUEST attire. Jason stares at them, bleary
eyed. With earnest respectful faces, the five salute him in the
classic "GALAXY QUEST" style. Jason shuts the door in their face.
DING DONG: The door opens again.
JASON
WHAT. DO. YOU. WANT?!
The leader, Mathesar, steps forward. Speaks quickly.
MATHESAR
Sir, I understand this is a terrible breach of protocol, but
please, I beg you to hear our plea. We are Thermians from the
Klatu Nebula. Our people are being systematically hunted and
slaughtered by Roth'h'ar Sarris of Fatu-Krey. Sarris wants the
Omega 13. We are to meet in negotiation. However our past efforts
in this regard have been nothing short of disastrous. The flames,
the death...
(he quickly gathers himself)
Please Captain, you are our last hope.
(a beat)
We have secured a limousine.
JASON
Oh, right! The thing with the thing. Come on in, I'll get some
pants on.
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
19 INT. JASON'S HOUSE
The four aliens stand on one side of the room. Jason, mostly
dressed, hunts under his couch for something.
MATHESAR
Commander, standing here in your presence is the greatest honor
we could ever have hoped to achieve in our lifetimes.
Mostly all they can see of Jason at the moment is his butt.
JASON
Thanks, appreciate it... Anybody seen my other shoe?
20 INT. LINCOLN LIMO
Jason sits in back with Mathesar and the others, half-awake.
NERU
Sir, I am Neru, senior requisition officer. Before we travel to
the ship, please let me know if you have any requirements.
Weapons, documents, personnel...
JASON
I could use a Coke.
One of the aliens nods to the other who makes a note.
TEB
Sir, I am Teb. I would like to explain the history between our
people and the Sarris Dominion in greater detail. In the 5
million years following the great nebula burst our people were
one...
JASON
What about him? Doesn't he talk?
TEB
His translator is broken.
The fourth alien says something, but it comes out a weird mix of
sounds. Like a screaming baby inside a bagpipe.
JASON
Okey doke... So, listen, I had a late night with a Kreemorian
Fangor Beast, so
(MORE)
4/26/99 (PINK)
JASON (cont'd)
I'm going to shut my eyes for a bit. But go on, I'm listening to
every word...
Jason is asleep before Teb gets the next sentence out.
21 INT. RECEIVING QUARTERS - PROTECTOR II
Jason is shaken softly by the shoulders. He opens his eyes to see
a young female CREWMAN, LALIARI. We hear a low RUMBLE.
LALIARI
I am sorry to wake you sir, but your presence is requested on the
command deck.
Jason tries to reorient himself as she leads him forward.
22 INT. HALLWAY - THE PROTECTOR II
Laliari escorts Jason down the high tech hallway. Jason looks
around, still holding his can of Coke.
LALIARI
Sir, Sarris has moved the deadline. We are approaching his ship
at the Ni-delta now. He wants an answer to his proposal. I
understand you have been briefed.
JASON
Yeah, I got most of it in the car. He's the bad guy, right?
LALIARI
Yes sir he is a very bad man indeed. He has tortured our
scientists, put us to work in the gallium arsenide mines,
captured our females for his own demented purposes...
JASON
Okay I've got the picture. You have pages or do you want me to
just go for it?
LALIARI
I m not sure I...
JASON (cont'd)
Script pages. Never mind, let's see what old Sarris has to say
for himself.
Mathesar approaches with other CREWMEMBERS.
4/26/99 (PINK)
MATHESAR
Commander... Welcome to the Protector II. Would you like to don
your uniform?
JASON
Mind If we skip that? I have to get back pretty quick for this
thing in Van Nuys.
MATHESAR
As you wish.
Another ALIEN comes running up out of breath.
EXCITED ALIEN Sir... It's Sarris. He's here.
23 INT. COMMAND DECK
A door slides OPEN and Jason and the others enter the COMMAND
DECK.... It's straight out of the TV show. Blinking lights,
consoles, the cool old tech displays... But a bit dark. Jason
looks around, genuinely impressed, still wearing his glasses.
JASON
Not bad. Usually it's painted cardboard boxes in a garage.
They lead him to the Commander's chair. He sits.
TEB
Sir, we apologize for operating in low power mode, but we are
experiencing a reflective flux field this close to the galactic
axis.
JASON
No problem. This thing have a cup holder?
EXCITED ALIEN
(hands Jason a clipboard)
The situational analysis, Commander.
JASON
What's your name?
EXCITED ALIEN
(perplexed)
...Glath sir.
Jason signs his autograph and hands it back. "There you go."
NAVIGATOR
We're approaching in five ticks, sir. Command to slow?
Jason looks toward the front window/view screen. Stars move past
in a familiar display.
JASON
Sure, set the screen saver on two.
(the NAVIGATOR looks confused)
Sorry. Sorry. Didn't mean to break he mood. Slow to Mark 2,
lieutenant.
A SHIP appears on the screen, growing closer. It is a MENACING
craft, sharp and jagged, with a gargoyle shaped figurehead. Then
the VIEWSCREEN fuzzes to life with an image of... SARRIS - He's
ugly and green hued. Black sharp teeth. A metal hand... He
hisses... There is a beat as the aliens take in the sight, trying
to well their courage.
SARRIS
I see fear. That is expected.
(his voice RESONATES)
Ah, they bring a new Commander... Such a cowardly species. Not
even your own kind... No matter. Here are my demands, and I
would suggest, Commander, that you think well before speaking a
word, because these negotiations are... tender.. and if I do not
like what I hear there will be blood and pain as you cannot
imagine...
Jason takes a sip of coke and checks his watch.
SARRIS
First, I require the Omega 13... Second-
JASON
(blas? like a laundry list)
Okey dokey, let's fire blue particle cannons full. Fire red
particle cannons full. Fire gannet magnets left and right. Fire
pulse catapults from all chutes. And throw this thing at him too,
killer.
He hands the GUNNER the empty coke can, then before even waiting
for the weapons to reach their target... ...he exits!
24 HALLWAY
Jason emerges and looks both ways trying to get his bearings.
Several of the aliens chase after him as he enters the
4/26/99 (PINK)
corridor, exchanging stunned dances, trying to absorb the
magnitude of what just happened.
MATHESAR
Commander?... Where are you... going?
JASON
Home.
MATHESAR
You... You mean Earth?
JASON
Yeah. "Earth." Time to get back to "Earth," kids.
He turns a corner. Jason is oblivious to the muffled sounds of
explosions, traces of the demolition going on outside.
MATHESAR
But Commander... The negotiation... You... You... You fired on
him.
JASON
Right. Long live... What's your planet?
MATHESAR
Theramin.
JASON
Long live Theramini. Take a left here?
MATHESAR
But what if Sarris survives?
JASON
Oh, I don't think so. I gave him both barrels.
MATHESAR
He has a very powerful ship. Perhaps you would like to wait to
see the results of-
JASON
I would but I am REALLY running late and the 134's a parking lot
after 2:00. But listen, the guy gives you any more trouble, just
give a call...
Mathesar produces a walkie talkie device for Jason.
MATHESAR
An interstellar vox.
4/26/99 (PINK)
JASON
Thanks
Mathesar looks him in the eye. A TEAR starts down his cheek. He
HUGS Jason, then shakes his hand sincerely.
MATHESAR
How can we thank you, Commander. You- You have saved our people.
JASON
It was a lot of fun. You kids are great.
The others shake his hand, thanking him as they enter the...
25 INTERSTELLAR POD ROOM
A room with a very high circular ceiling. The aliens continue
thanking Jason as they lead him to the center of the room. Jason
realizes he's left all alone in this strange room with no visible
doors. Jason is suddenly aware that he is standing on a GLOWING
RED DISK.
JASON
Wait. Where's the car?
Suddenly a CLEAR CYLINDER rises from the disk and conforms around
him, ENCASING~ HIM IN A CLEAR BULLET SHAPED CONTAINER. There is
only an instant to register surprise as the ceiling divides and
an AWE INDUCING ROTATING STARFIELD is revealed... The WALLS pull
back around him. And Jason finds himself surrounded by THE
INFINITE VASTNESS OF SPACE. And his face is a MASK OF HORROR In
the split instant as Jason in his pod is ROCKETED FORWARD INTO
SPACE.
26 BLACK - JASON'S YARD
We pull back slowly from the iris of Jason's eye. He is now
standing on the red disk in the middle of his own back yard. He
stands there in shock, TEETH CHATTERING, SHIVERING IN WAVES AND
WAVES from the incomprehension of what he's just experienced,
unable to move from the snot.
27 NT. BRANDON'S GARAGE - TARZANA - DUSK
Crickets chirp. Inside the open garage of a suburban house sits
BRANDON and his friends in their uniforms, surrounded by a
homemade space ship interior constructed of painted cardboard
boxes and Christmas lights. Brandon and his friends look very
disappointed... The Commander never showed.
28 EXT. COMPUTER STORE PARKING LIT - MORNING
Gwen, Alexander, Tommy, Fred and Guy perform for the store's
grand opening. A small crowd is gathered, including Brandon and
his gang, inspecting a mock up of the PROTECTOR.
GWEN
Take it from us... We've been all over the universe.
FRED
But we've never seen the space age values we've seen here .....
TOMMY
TechCo electronics superstore
Alexander pauses, deeply ashamed. Gwen nudges him.
ALEXANDER
By Grabthar's hammer, what a savings.
A few balloons are released into the air.
28A COMPUTER STORE - LATER
The actors hand out pamphlets and sign the occasional autograph.
Fred pats Alexander's back, who stares ahead, morose. Around the
corner, JASON appears, looking around with a disoriented yet
exhilarated twinkle in his eye.. He spots his friends and starts
quickly toward the cast table but runs smack into the group of
FANS led by Brandon. Brandon and Jason go down, along with an
armful of GALAXY QUEST collectables.
BRANDON
Commander!... My apologies.
Brandon is nudged by his friend KYLE.
BRANDON
Commander... Evidently we had miscommunication regarding
yesterday's scheduled voyage, and-
But Jason, still in a haze, simply gathers his things and walks
off. The other nerds look at Brandon.
KYLE
He dissed us AGAIN, Brandon!
BRANDON
(hiding his disappointment)
He probably... Has some very important business to attend to...
HOLLISTER
(just letting off steam)
Maybe we should just start a Star Trek club!
The others turn, silent, incredulous. Brandon looks at Hollister
with hard, cold eyes. Pacino's scene with Fredo.
BRANDON
Don't EVER say that to me again.
He walks away. The others stare at Hollister.
28B ACTORS' TABLE
The actors look up to see JASON approaching.
ALEXANDER
Do you know what time it is? Why did you even bother to show up?
Jason has so much to say he can't get out a word. Gwen notices
his wrinkled slept-in clothing, and wild eyes.
GWEN
Jason... Are you all right?
Jason POINTS to the sky, grasping for words.
JASON
I was there. (a beat) Up. There...
(intense)
They came to the convention. I thought they were fans, but
they're not. They took me up to their ship. They're called
Thermians or Thatians, I don't know. I was a little hungover...
(actors exchange glances)
What they built... It's incredible I fought this man, this...
THING... called Sarris. I kicked his ASS... They have these...
pods. One took me THROUGH a black hole.
(crazy smile. The others stare)
I know. I know what you're thinking. But I can prove it. Look!
They gave me this!
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
He searches his pockets frantically and produces the interstellar
vox. The thing blinks its little red light. He motions
victoriously. The others exchange glances, then produce their own
blinking voxes and set them on the table.
JASON
Yes, but can you talk to people in SPACE on yours? (into Vox:)
Protector this is the Commander. Come in protector...
The others exchange glances. Alexander turns to Gwen.
ALEXANDER
God, what an ass.
JASON
COME IN PROTECTOR... PROTECTOR...
Tommy rolls up his sleeve ready for a fight.
TOMMY
That's it, It's go time.
GWEN
Don't do it, Tommy. He's not worth it.
Jason notices a label on his vox that reads "Property of Brandon
Wheeger." He looks around for Brandon.
JASON
This isn't mine. Wait, where is that kid?...
GWEN
You know it's one thing to treat us this way, but how can you do
this to your fans?...
Jason looks up and sees the young woman we recognize as Thermian
LALIARI. She's flanked by two young crewmen.
LALIARI
Begging your pardon, Commander, we come with news. Sarris lives.
He was able upon your departure to make an escape. However he has
contacted us, and wishes to surrender. We humbly implore you to
return with us, to negotiate the terms.
Jason looks at Laliari, then turns back to the others, his
experience twinkling in his eyes.
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
JASON
They want me back... I... I want you all to come. You have to
come with me. It'll be the most amazing experience of your lives.
We1re going to negotiate an alien general's SURRENDER in SPACE.
You have to- Guys? GUYS?...
They have begun to walk away, one by one, in disgust. Only Gwen
remains. She looks at Jason.
JASON
Gwen, you know me. I'm a lot of things but I'm not crazy.
But Gwen shakes her head and walks off.
28C INT. ELECTRONICS STORE SHIPPING WAREHOUSE NEAR DOCK
Jason inspects himself In a mirror. He meticulously smoothes his
Commander's Insignia, fastens a stray buckle, carefully picks a
piece of lint off his shirt. Then he looks Into his own eyes for
a long moment, finally turning to Laliari, a smile, eyes
GLISTENING. Nearby a POD DISK on the floor GLOWS.
JASON
I'm ready.
28D INT. DRESSING ROOM
The actors enter their dressing room.
TOMMY
You should have let me hit him.
GWEN
I don't know guys... I mean, he almost looked... sincere. I know,
it's bizarre!
FRED
I think we should have taken the gig... I mean, who knows the
next time he'll ask us.
They all turn slowly to Fred. "Of course.. He was talking about a
GIG."
28E ELECTRONICS STORE
The actors hurry through the aisles to the back of the store.
Gwen shouts to an EMPLOYEE stocking shelves.
GWEN
Commander come through here?
The Employee points to the back, taken with Gwen's beauty.
29 INT ~LECTRONICS STORE WAREHOUSE NEAR DOCK
Gwen, Alex and the others enter, and look around. Laliari is
still in the room, alone. She lights up as they enter.
GWEN
We're coming too.
LALIARI
Wonderful! The Commander had me continue transmitting in the
hopes you would change your mind. (to Vox) Protector, requesting
six Interstellar pods for immediate departure.
Tommy rolls his eyes at Gwen. "These fans..." But Gwen suddenly
notices the POD DISKS glowing beneath their feet.
GWEN
Guys... Guys?
Alex tries to step off the disk but It MOVES TO FOLLOW HIM.
ALEXANDER
What in the world...?
LALIARI
I look forward to meeting you all in person when we arrive at the
ship. End transmission.
And with that, Laliari blinks and VANISHES. She was simply a
HOLOGRAM TRANSMISSION. Full realization hits Gwen...
GWEN
Oh my God. OH MY GOD.
30 INT. NSEA PROTECTOR DOCKING STATION POD BAY- DEEP SPACE
The room LIGHTS BRILLIANTLY with a series of flashes. In rapid
succession the PODS arrive with a flash through a hatch In the
ceiling. They unfold to reveal Gwen, Alexander, Tommy and Guy who
stand paralyzed and teeth chattering. They look like a bunch of
horrified bowling pins all facing toward...
A METAL HATCH - Beyond It they register the SOUND of WET
FOOTSTEPS growing closer... Their eyes widen as they see the
hatch open revealing a group of 5 HORRIBLE TENTACLED DROOLING
SCREG~ING ALIEN MONSTERS who surround our visitors, probing them
with jagged devices. Then one of the monsters looks down at a
mechanism on his belt.
MONSTER #1
Oops. Crewmen, your skins! Activate your E-skins!
4/29/99 (GREEN)
The monsters all flip switches on their belts their forms become
HUMAN, uniformed as ship's TECHNICIANS.
TECHNICIAN #1
Our most sincere apologies! We forgot about our appearance
generators.
Then JASON appears in the doorway, wearing a big warm smile.
JASON
Guys! You CAME!...
They stand there, still paralyzed and terrified.
JASON
Okay, who wants the grand tour?
Guy is now relaxed enough to let out the loudest most genuine
SCREAM you've ever heard in your life. A beat.
JASON
Okay, Guy... Anybody else?
Then another streak of light, and Fred appears along side the
others. He steps off of the disk, unaffected.
FRED
Now that was a hell of a thing.
(to Jason, motioning to others)
What's wrong with them?
Jason smiles. Nothing gets to Fred.
31 INT. PROTECTOR DOCKING STRUCTURE - HALLWAY
Jason leads Gwen, Alexander, Tommy, Guy and Fred down the hall.
They shuffle forward like recent hospital releases, looking
around silent and dumbfounded at their surroundings, occasional
involuntary JERKS of their limbs evidence of their horrifying
journey.
JASON
That's right... Just keep shaking it out... Here, have some gum,
It helps.
TOMMY
Wh... Where are we?
4/29/99 (GREEN)
JASON
Twenty third quadrant of gamma sector. I can show you on a map.
Then Mathesar appears coming down the hall with a small group of
ALIENS. He has a warm smile on his face.
MATHESAR
Welcome my friends I am Mathesar. On behalf of my people I wish
to thank you from the deepest place in our hearts.
He reaches out to shake their hands respectfully.
MATHESAR
Dr. Lazarus... Lt. Madison. Young Laredo, how you've grown. Tech
Sgt. Chen... And....
He looks at Guy quizzically, not sure who he is.
GUY
"Crewman #6"... Call me Guy.
GWEN
You... know us?
MATHESAR
(soft laugh)
I don't believe there is a man, woman or child on my planet who
does not. In the years since we first received your ship's
historical documents, we have studied every facet of your
missions, technologies and strategies.
ALEXANDER
Historical documents?
MATHESAR
Yes. Eighteen years ago we received transmission of the first.
It continued for four years, and then stopped, as mysteriously as
it came...
TOMMY
You've been watching the sho...
(he's nudged by Jason)
the historical records... out HERE?
MATHESAR
Yes, in the last hundred years our society had fallen into
disarray. Our goals, our values had become scattered. But since
the transmission we have modeled many aspects of our society from
your example, and it has saved us. Your courage, teamwork,
friendship through the adversity...
They all exchange glances.
MATHESAR (cont'd)
In fact, all you see around you comes from the lessons garnered
from the historical documents.
GWEN
THAT'S why you built this ship?
GUY
It's ... incredible.
JASON
Oh this? No, this isn't the ship. This is only the star port for
the ship.
(a twinkle In his eye)
You want to see the ship?
He pushes a button and a door opens leading to a DOCKING POD.
32 INT. DOCKING POD
They enter. He pushes another button and the doors close, and
the transport starts moving. As it clears a wall, we see out the
window A MAGNIFICENT AND BREATHTAKING VIEW OF THE ENORMOUS NSEA
PROTECTOR DOCKED IN FRONT OF TH~... They all gawk at the amazing
sight, their eyes wide like children.
ALEXANDER
Oh my god, It's real.
GWEN
All this from watching the.. historical records?
MATHESAR
Yes, and from your supplementary technical documents, of
course...
He motions to another alien who withdraws a number of brightly
colored BOOKS and BOXES from a backpack. The actors look through
the various FAN BOOKS and ENTERTAINMENT SOFTWARE bearing such
titles as "THE OFFICIAL GALAXY QUEST BLUEPRINTS: NSEA PROTECTOR"
and "VIRTUAL GAAAXY QUEST: THE CDROM EXPERIENCE." The actors
exchange glances and then... Tommy begins to giggle. Alex looks
at him, at the fan stuff, then out at the ENORMOUS SHIP, and he
begins to laugh too... The others join in laughing like maniacs,
hysterical, disbelieving laughter, as they head toward the GIANT
SHIP.
33 INT. PROTECTOR - CORRIDOR
The group walks down the corridor, peeking into various rooms,
more awestruck every second. As they pass each room, the CREW
MEMBERS inside salute. FEMALE crew members pass occasionally,
saluting and offering "Hello Commander's to Jason. This does not
escape Gwen's notice.
(Guy always seems to be just outside the group, a little late,
always trying to see between their heads...)
MATHESAR
The medical quarters are to the left...
The actor's WHISPER to Jason, all at once...
TOMMY
What the hell is going on?!!?
ALEXANDER
Jason, what have you gotten us into?
GWEN
I don't believe this, it's insane.
FRED
Wow, the floors are REALLY clean.
JASON
Calm down everybody. We're just here to negotiate General
Sarris' surrender.
ALEXANDER
"Just!?"
MATHESAR
Weapons storage...
JASON
It's perfectly safe. I promise.
MATHESAR
... Maintenance facility...
GWEN
Jason, this is crazy! We should get out of here...
MATHESAR
Situations room... Dining hall...
4/29/99 (GREEN)
JASON
You want to go home? Fine. Say the word, and we'll all go home
and feed the fish and pay the bills and fall asleep with the t.v.
on and miss out on THIS. Is that really what you want? Anybody?
A beat. Clearly nobody wants to leave. A beat.
MATHESAR (cont'd)
The main barracks...
TWO HUNDRED crewmen rise to attention. Jason salutes back.
JASON
At ease men.
ALEXANDER
(awed)
Like throwing gasoline on a fire...
Alex turns to Guy, who is smiling ear to ear.
ALEXANDER (cont'd)
What?
GUY
I'm just jazzed to be on the show, man.'
33A OMIT
34 GENERATOR ROOM
The group enters. The centerpiece of the room is a large
pulsating ORB. When the orb dims, we see its surface has a rocky
texture, like a large boulder. Many TECHS scurry about tending to
the surrounding measurement devices.
MATHESAR
The generator room... Our Beryllium Sphere, of course... I hope,
Tech Sergeant Chen, that this meets with your approval.
Fred runs his finger along a gleaming copper tube with authority.
FRED
Fine... Real clean.
Three YOUNGER CREWMEN approach and whisper to Mathesar. They
argue a bit, then Mathesar reticently approaches Fred.
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
MATHESAR
Tech Sgt. Chen, I am sorry to ask this of you so shortly after
your arrival. But members of our reactor staff have a question
they find most pressing.
FRED
Uh huh?
LAHNK
Sir, we have had unexplained proton surges in our delta unit.
They cannot be verified on the sub frequency spectrum, but appear
on the valence detector when scanning the Beryllium Sphere. We
are unable to resolve this problem and were hoping you would be
able to advise us.
Everyone turns to Fred. Silence.
FRED
Uh huh... I see... Well, that's a puzzler isn't it?...
The others exchange glances, wondering what he'll say. Then Fred
turns to one of the Techs.
FRED
U.... What do you think?
NERVOUS TECH
That possibly... The valence bonds have shifted bi-laterally?
FRED
... What does that mean?
NERVOUS TECH
What does that mean?!!! Yes, I see! Yes... It means that
perhaps... the... bonding molecules have become covalent?!...
FRED
Covalent... Right. So...
NERVOUS TECH
So our solution is to introduce a bonding substrate! - A two
molecule compound sharing a free electron - and bombard the ions
with their reflective isotopes!
4/29/99 (GREEN)
FRED
OK!
The other TECHS grin, astonished.
LANK
Of course! It's so obvious!
TECH #2
Sergeant Chen, you're... a genius!
Fred waves off the praise modestly. Mathesar shoots a look to
Lahnk as if to say "we're in good hands here."
MATHESAR
Now I suggest that you rest before we take the ship out of dock.
These crewmen will escort you to your quarters.
4/29/99 (GREEN)
PAGES 34-35 OMITTED
4/29/99 (GREEN)
34A OMIT
34B INT. MEDIA ROOM
Tommy's escort NERU hands over various weapons to a grinning
Tommy.
NERU
Here is your valence shield. Your vox. Your magneto-pistol... We
know you prefer a sensitive trigger. If there is anything else
you require?
TOMMY
Uh, no, I'm good. Thanks.
(Neru starts to exit)
Oh wait. Here you go.
Tommy stuffs a couple of bucks into Neru's hand. Neru looks at
the tip, perplexed, and exits.
35 INT. HALLWAY
Alex's young escort, QUELLEK, leads him down the hall.
QUELLEK
Dr. Lazarus... I hope that I'm not breaching protocol but.. I am
so very humbled to stand in your presence... I have studied your
missions extensively... Though I am Thermian, I have lived my
life by your philosophy, by the code of the Mak'tar.
ALEXANDER
Well good, that's very... nice.
QUELLEK
(emotional)
By Grabthar's Hammer, Dr. Lazarus, I-
ALEXANDER
Don't do that. I'm not kidding.
QUELLEK
I'm sorry, sir, I was only-
ALEXANDER
Just don't.
QUELLEK
...Yes sir.
(they come to a stop)
Your quarters sir.
36 INT. ALEX'S QUARTERS
Quellek opens the door and they enter. The room is a grey square
completely barren.
ALEXANDER
This is it?
QUELLEK
Yes sir. Marvelous, isn't it? Completely distractionless.
ALEXANDER
Where's my bed?
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
Quellek pushes a button and SIX LARGE SPIKES rise from the floor.
QUELLEK
Just as on your home planet, sir. If I may say, it took me three
years to master the spikes, but now I sleep with a peace I never
thought possible...
ALEXANDER
Is that the bathroom?
QUELLEK
Yes sir... The use of your waste facilities were strangely absent
from the historical records, so we had to extrapolate purely on
the basis of your anatomy.
37 INT. ALEX'S BATHROOM
They enter. Alex looks down at a thing that looks more like a
torture device than a toilet, with elaborate 'tubes and stirrups
and plugs going everywhere.
QUELLEK
You're quite complicated, sir.
Alex stares at the thing, despairingly.
38 OMIT
39 INT. GWEN'S CABIN
An exotic and beautiful room. Gwen is changing into her GALAXY
QUEST uniform. There's a knock on the door.
JASON (O.S.)
It's Jason...
GWEN
One minute I'm -
(he enters)
Hey, I'm dressing.'
JASON
Oh come on, it's not like I haven't-
She finishes and turns.
4/20/99 (BLUE)
They just look at each other for a moment. Gwen breaks out into a
smile, trying to find the words.
JASON (cont'd)
Yeah, I know.
GWEN
I just can't believe it. Any of it! Look at this room!.. They
designed it based on the Tuaran Pleasure ship from "historical
document" thirty seven.
(looks at a mirror)
Oh and wait, wait, listen to this!
(looks up)
Computer?
COMPUTER
Yes?
GWEN
What's the weather like outside?
COMPUTER
There is no weather in space.
GWEN
I never get tired of that joke.
JASON
Let me try. Computer? (no response) Computer?...
GWEN
Only answers to me.
JASON
But I'm the Commander!
GWEN
On the show I talk to the computer and repeat what it says. So
that's what they built.
JASON
C'mon, we're wanted up on the command deck.
But Gwen holds her ground.
GWEN
Wait. When are you going to tell them?
4/20/99 (BLUE)
JASON
Tell them? About...
GWEN
Who we are. Don't you think they're going to be PISSED?
JASON
Are you kidding? I'm not going to tell them.
4/20/99 (BLUE)
GWEN
Well you have to tell them. What if something happens? We're
actors, not astronauts... We can't do this stuff!
JASON
It's not the STUFF. I mean, anybody can learn the STUFF... The
important thing is COMMITMNT. 99% of anything is just committing
to it.
GWEN
Ninty-nine percent of ACTING is commitment. ACTING. Stella Adler
never manned a resonance cannon, she taught ACTING...
Gwen moves toward the door.
JASON
Hey... Hey where are you going?
GWEN
We have no right to do this. They deserve to know.
JASON
Gwen... Gwen, c'mon, wait, no!
Just then the door opens. Laliari enters.
LALIARI
Lt. Madison. The females of the ship have requested your imprint
for archival purposes at the proposed Tawny Madison Institute for
Computer Research.
Gwen looks at Laliari, her eyes softening as she imprints her
hand in a glowing PAD.
GWEN
The Tawny Madison Institute...
Jason smiles. He knows he's got her.
GWEN (cont'd)
Well... maybe we could stay a LITTLE longer...
She brushes past Jason, and they exit.
4/6/99 (PINK)
40 INT. HALUWAY
Jason and Gwen turn a corner and join up with Tommy, Alexander
and Guy. They keep walking toward the command deck.
TOMMY
What's going on?
JASON
I think we're going to exit the space port.
GUY
That should be something to see...
41 INT. COMMAND DECK
They enter and gawk at the familiar hub, waiting for the show to
start... not realizing they ARE the show.
MATHESAR
If you would all take your positions...
THE ACTORS
Oh, right... US! Yes, of course... US!
They take their positions, marveling at the familiar control
panels in front of them. Tommy turns to Guy.
TOMMY
Look.. This thingy... I remember I had it all worked out. This
was forward, back...
MATHESAR
Commander, some of the crew has requested to be present at this
historic event.
Mathesar motions and a few CREWMEN enter, followed by a dozen
more... followed by FIFTY more. They stand around the periphery
of 'the room, watching eagerly. Tommy turns to Guy.
TOMMY
No pressure, huh? Glad I'm not the Commander.
COMMANDER
Okay, Lareo, take her out.
Everyone in the room turns their attention to Tommy. His
sarcastic smile drops. He looks mortified.
TOMMY
Excuse me?
JASON
They designed the ship from watching you. So... Take her out,
Lieutenant...
Tommy stares down at his control panel. It's pretty self
explanatory, a throttle and a circular dial for direction. But
daunting nonetheless.
TOMMY
Right. Okay, yeah, sure.
Everyone's eyes are glued to him as he moves the throttle forward
slightly. The ENGINES COME TO LIFE, a massive exhilarating sound.
Tommy giggles nervously. His hand trembles as he pushes the
throttle further. The ship start to move. The actors exchange
worried glances.
TOMMY
Oh god. Oh my god....
42 EXT. SHIP
You can feel the WEIGHT of 'the giant craft as it eases forward,
sliiding through the sides of the dock.
43 COMMAND DECK
Everyone watches the forward monitor. Tommy turns the NAVIGATION
DIAL slowly. Guy whispers to him...
GUY
More to the left... Stay parallel...
TOMMY
Hey, YOU want to drive?
44 EXT. STAR DOCK
Indeed, the ship is slightly off course... It's like trying to
get out of a tight parking space with concrete walls to either
side. And the ship is veering ever so slightly into one of the
walls.
4/29/99 (GREEN)
45 INT. COMMAND DECK
Tommy turns the dial to correct... But it looks like the momentum
might carry the ship into the wall anyway... Tommy PEGS the dial
to the left... The others hold their breath as the bow of the
ship moves closer and closer to the wall... Then... It TOUCHES.
The sound of a soft but high pitched SCRAAAAAAAPE.
TOMMY
Oh shit.
46 EXT. STAR DOCK
The ship is stopped, just grazing the wall EVER SO SLIGHTLY.
47 INT. COMMAND DECK
All eyes are on Tommy. He doesn't know what to do... Should he
continue forward, or back up, and scrape again for sure? The
classic parking lot dilemma, magnified by ten thousand. Tommy
grasps the throttle and moves it slightly forward... SCRAAAAAAPE.
He keeps going, in too deep to back out now... And the ship
continues to SCRAAAAAPE for a couple of horrible seconds as it
completes the curve... And then it is free. The beautiful craft
glides slowly out to open space... Jason and the others let out a
sigh of relief.
JASON
Very good Lieutenant. Forward Mark two...
Tommy smiles, relieved. He pushes throttle to the "2".
TOMMY
Mark two, Commander.
48 EXT. SHIP
The ship glides out to space, only a relatively minor scrape of
the paint job to show for the incident.
49 INT. DINING HALL
The crew and various aliens sit around the large table, eating an
extravagant meal. Mathesar makes a toast.
MATHESAR
To our brave guests. Few in this universe have the opportunity
to meet their heroes. We are blessed to count ourselves among
them.
4/29/99 (GREEN)
JASON
Wherever a distress signal sounds among the stars, we'll be
there, this fine
ship, this fine crew. Never give up, never surrender!
Everyone clinks glasses. Quellek tips his glass to Alexander as
Teb turns to Tommy.
TEB
We are sorry about the instrumentation, Lt. Laredo. There must
have been a malfunction in the steerage mechanism.
TOMMY
(stern)
Just see that it doesn't happen again.
TEB
Yes sir.
(to Gwen)
How are you enjoying your food, Lt. Madison?
GWEN
Oh it's fantastic. French is my favorite.
TEB
Yes, we programed the food synthesizer for each of you based on
the regional menu of your birthplace.
(turns to Alexander)
Are you enjoying your Kep-mok bloodticks Dr. Lazarus?
Alexander, miserable, toys with a bowl of living insects swimming
in a disgustingly vomit-textured broth.
ALEXANDER
Just like mother used to make.
He pushes the bowl away, nauseated.
DISSOLVE TO:
DINING HALL - LATER
The actors are wilted, half asleep as Jason goes on...
JASON
The beast ROARED as I PLUNGED the knife again and again... I held
on for dear life as it thrashed about! And that was
(MORE)
4/29/99 (GREEN)
JASON (cont'd)
the day : learned that a Kilve Serpent bleeds red. (beat) What
price man? What price man?
ALEXANDER
Tell me, Mathesar, this Sarris bloke we're flying to meet... What
is it he wants exactly?
MATHESAR
For years, Sarris has plundered the resources of our planet. Our
people, our technologies. We built this ship in order to find a
new planet to settle. One far away from Sarris. We are not a
people accustomed to confrontation. We are scientists. This ship
was our salvation.
A tick jumps off of Alexander's spoon back into the soup.
MATHESAR
But Sarris found out about our plans just as we had completed
construction of the
(MORE)
4/26/99 (PINK)
MATHESAR (cont'd)
Protector II. He heard about the device... The Omega 13.
GUY
The Omega 13... Why does that sound so familiar?...
GWEN
The lost footage. At the convention. The mysterious device in our
last episo--historical document.
TOMMY
What is it? What does it do?
MATHESAR
We don't know.
GWEN
But... You built one, right?
TEB
We built... something... from the blueprints and what references
we could find on your internet... Our computer neural nets made
educated guesses in areas we were uncertain. So there is
actually much about the device we don't even understand. We were
hoping you could enlighten us.
JASON
Well, it's... This was a device we...
(looks around for help)
discovered on an alien planet. We don't know what it does
either.
TOMMY
Why don't you just turn it on and see?
TEB
It has at its heart a reactor capable of generating unthinkable
energy. If we were mistaken in our construction by even the
slightest calculation, the device would act as a molecular
explosive, causing a chain reaction that would obliterate all
matter in the universe.
ALEXANDER
Let me at the switch.
4/26/99 (PINK)
JASON
Mathesar?. .. Has Sarris seen the.. historical records?
MATHESAR
NO, Thank God he has not.
JASON
Then how did he find out about the device?
MATHESAR
Our former Commander was not... Strong.
JASON
Former Commander?
MATHESAR
I'm sorry. You deserve to be shown.
He nods to a Crewman who pushes a button. A wall panel moves
aside to reveal a large VIEWSCREEN. An image appears with a lot
of static, and the sound cuts in and out...
MATHESAR
The tape was partially demagnetized as it was smuggled off of
Sarris' ship.
But through the static we can make out an image: The former
Commander, in ALIEN form, Is strapped to a metal board. Each of
his wrists and ankles is secured with mechanical devices and
twisted in different directions.
MATHESAR
Originally, one of our own tried to lead...
ONSCREEN Sarris stands over the alien with a control panel.
SARRIS (ON MONITOR)
Is that all? You have no more to confess to me? No? After three
days of this you still require incentive?
Sarris moves switches on the panel. The device pulls at the
alien's limbs, twisting them horribly. Bones crackle.
ALIEN COMMANDER (ON MONITOR)
I say again... I have told you all I know. To my shame, I have
told you everything. If you have any mercy within you, please,
let me die.
4/28/99 (YELLOW)
SARRIS
Oh I shall, I shall... When I grow weary of the noises you make,
my little plaything, be assured, you shall die...
Sarris toys with his control panel. Mercifully the screen fuzzes
up with static and we can only HEAR the bone chilling SCREAMS...
We PAN around the table, past GWEN, ALEXANDER, TOMMY, GUY...Their
mouths open in horror as they watch the screen. Camera stops on
JASON. He stares, the blood draining from his face.
50 INT. HALLWAY
The actors walk down the hallway behind Jason, panicked.
GWEN
We're leaving, Jason. We're leaving NOW.
JASON
Let me think. I need time to think.
ALEXANDER
He wants to THINK!?
TOMMY
No, Jason, that's a wrap! There's nothing to think about!
GUY
Listen, I'm not even supposed to BE here. I'm just Crewman #6.
I'm expendable. I'm the guy in the episode who dies to prove that
the situation is serious! I'm leaving NOW.
Mathesar comes running up, looking distressed.
MATHESAR
Commander...
JASON
Mathesar, I need you to prepare pods for my crew.
GWEN
Your crew? What about you?
Jason looks torn. He starts to say something, but-
4/28/99 (YELLOW)
MATHESAR
Begging your Commander's pardon, sir, but we cannot launch pods
at the moment. Sarris will surely detonate any objects leaving
the ship. (beat) Yes sir, he's
(MORE)
4/26/99 (PINK)
MATHESAR (cont'd)
here now. Your presence is required on the command deck.
Everyone reacts, alarmed, and we
51 INT. COMMAND DECK
The actors enter the empty deck followed by Mathesar.
GWEN
There's nobody here. Jason...
JASON
Mathesar, maybe we should get some of your crew up here.
MATHESAR
I thank you for your consideration to our pride, but while my
people are talented scientists our attempts to operate our own
technologies under tactical simulation have been disastrous.
He leans over to Gwen's computer station as she sits, and pushes
a button.
MATHESAR
I have raised Sarris on zeta frequency.
GWEN
Uh... Great. Thanks.
JASON
Still, Mathesar, your crew may nonetheless be helpful in certain-
But he is interrupted by the sight of SARRIS appearing on the
large VIEWSCREEN. Sarris now wears a metal eyepatch, and has a
long scar across his cheek.
SARRIS
We meet again Commander.
The crew stares at Sarris. A frightening visage.
JASON
Yes... Hi Sarris... How are you doing?
SARRIS
Better than my Lieutenant. He failed to activate ship's neutron
armor as quickly as I'd hoped on our last encounter.
He brings into view a stake with the impaled head of his former
Lieutenant.
JASON
Right. Well... Listen, I'm (laughs) I'm sorry about that
whole... thing.. before. It was kind of a misunderstanding. I'm
sure we can work this out like reasonable people... How's the
uh...
(motions to his eyepatch)
... that going to heal up? God, I hope so, I feel just awful
about that.
SARRIS
Deliver the device now or I will destroy your ship.
JASON
Listen, I'd like to, but frankly.. I'm not even sure where it is,
or even...
SARRIS
You have ten seconds.
JASON
All right. You got it. You win. I'll deliver it now. Just give
me a moment to set it up.
Jason motions to Gwen to cut the transmission. Gwen nods.
JASON
All right, now nobody panic, I've dealt with this guy before and
believe me, he's as stupid as he is ugly.
GWEN
Jason..
JASON
We're going to fire everything we've got at him, all right?
GWEN
JASON...
JASON
You just keep pushing those buttons, those there, send everything
at him, okay?
Guy looks at the buttons labeled with icons of armaments.
GUY
...Okay
JASON
All right. Put me back on with him.
GWEN
I'm trying to tell you. You ARE on with him.
SARRIS
Perhaps I am not as stupid as I am ugly, Commander.
Jason turns to Gwen horrified.
JASON
I made the CUT THE LINE gesture. You nodded okay.'
GWEN
I thought It was the "We're dead" gesture! I was agreeing! Like I
know where the hold button is???
JASON
(nervous jovial)
Listen, Sarris, you can't blame me for trying...
SARRIS
Of course not...
GUY
Guys... Red thingy moving toward the green thingy. Red thingy
moving toward the green thingy!
JASON
What?
Guy motions to the radar screen. The red blip is about to impact.
GUY
I think we're the green thingy.
SARRIS
A present for you, Commander.
COMMANDER
Shit. Turn. Gun it' Get out of-
The shit is POUNDED BY A TORPEDO BLAST. Now, unlike the "run
back and forth" shake-the-camera explosions of the TV show, the
result here is jarringly BRUTAL, like side-slamming a Hummer at
70mph. The entire crew goes FLYING from their positions and into
the walls. The lights FLICKER.
They exchange glances, for the first time, bona fide FEAR In
their eyes. This is REAL. Then ANOTHER blast sends them crumpled
against walls and objects like rag dolls. The pain is palpable as
they try to get back to their stations.
JASON
We've gotta get out of here!
Tommy looks at the sparkling map of lights on his dash.
TOMMY
Where?
JASON
Just GO! GO! DAMMIT PUNCH GO!
Tommy punches the red button. They all hold on for dear life as
the ship roars forward, across the path of Sarris' ship.
GWEN
They're turning. They're COMING.
An explosion rocks the ship. Then another, and ANOTHER...
COMPUTER
The ship is sustaining structural damage.
GWEN
Guys, we're sustaining structural damage!...
JASON
Faster Tommy. Get us out of here!
TOMMY
It's as far as it goes!
GUY
They're still behind us...
JASON
We should have a turbo. I'm always saying "activate turbo
boosters", right?...
TOMMY
Could be this.
JASON
Push It. Hold it down.
He pushes the turbo. The ship begins to VIBRATE.
COMPUTER
The enemy is matching velocity.
GWEN
The enemy is matching velocity.
ALEXANDER
We heard it the first time!
GWEN
Shit! I'm doing it! I'm repeating the damn computer!
Suddenly an image of Fred down in the generator room appears on
the side viewscreen. He's taking it all in stride.
FRED
Hi guys. Listen, they're telling me that the generators won't
take it, the ship's breaking apart and all that. Just FYI.
The viewscreen goes black. The ship ROARS forward.
ALEXANDER
We've got to stop!
JASON
We stop we die. Keep holding the thruster down Tommy!
ALEXANDER
You don't hold a thruster down! It's for quick boosts
JASON
Like YOU know?
The ship GROANS and CREAKS. Then a loud KLAXON sounds.
GWEN
I remember that sound! That's a bad sound!
Jason looks forward. In the distance is an amorphous MASS...
JASON
Maybe we can lose them in that cloud.
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
GWEN
I don't think that's a cloud...
As they approach, the "cloud" reveals itself to actually be
thousands upon thousands of SLOWLY ROTATING OCTAHEDRONS.
JASON
Mathesar? What is that?
MATHESAR
It's the Tothian mine field left standing from the Great War of
12185.
Their jaws drop as they see the vast array of MINES.
ALEXANDER
May I get the check?
GWEN
The ships are gaining...
JASON
Do your best, Tommy...
TOMMY
Oh god...
THE FIRST MINE HITS, ROCKING THE SHIP... BOOM! Tommy SWERVES to
avoid it, running into another mine. Then another. Tommy
couldn't do worse if he were aiming for them.
ALEXANDER
Could you possibly try (BOOM!) not to hit (BOOM!) every (BOOM!)
single (BOOM!) one!
TOMMY
They're drifting toward me... I think they're magnetic!...
52 EXT. PROTECTOR
The ship HURTLES FORWARD through the mine field, taking
considerable damage as the mines impact. PIECES of the ship fall
off behind it...
52A INT. SARRIS' SHIP
Calm, Sarris watches the PROTECTOR fly into the almost certain
death of the mine field. His LIEUTENANT flies ahead eagerly.
LATHE
Continue forward, sir?
SARRIS
Patience, Lt. . Patience.
53 INT. COMMAND DECK
JASON
We're almost through... Come on... Hold...
The ship is now VIBRATING HORRIBLY. It GROANS and CREAKS hen..
RIVETS start to POP sending DEADLY PROJECTILES flying.
ALEXANDER
WE'VE HAVE TO STOP!
GWEN
FRONT ARMOR IS GONE! JUST SLOW IT DOWN A LITTLE!
JASON
NO! WE'RE ALMOST THROUGH!
ALEXANDER
DON'T BE INSANE, STOP! FULL STOP!
JASON
KEEP GOING! KEEP GOING!
TOMMY
WHAT DO IT DO? WHAT DO IT DO?
And then suddenly a LOUD GRINDING noise. Then SILENCE. The
vibrating stops. Gwen looks up from her radar screen.
ALEXANDER
What's happened?
TOMMY
The engines are dead. We're drifting.
JASON
Are they behind us?
GWEN
No, I don't think so... Wait. They're not but... Something is.
(beat) Oh my god.
They look out the rear view screen to see... TWO DOZEN MAGNETIC
MINES BEARING DOWN ON THEM IN A CLUSTER.
JASON
DOWN!
They barely have time to brace themselves as the ship is ROCKED
by WAVES of explosions. They hit the floor and try to ride it
out. It's brutal...
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
EXT. SHIP
The last of the mines explodes and the ship is sent tumbling
lifelessly end over end through space. The exterior lights are
dark. The once shiny hull now blackened and ragged.
55 INT. COMMAND DECK
The deck looks dead and empty. Smoke is in the air. The lights
are dim. The sirens have stopped. It's completely silent. The
crew slowly emerges from behind panels and equipment, bruised and
bloodied. Jason moves to Gwen.
JASON
Are you all right?
(she nods, rising)
Tommy. Where's Tommy?
They hear a GROAN. Tommy is crumpled against the wall, his arm
twisted impossibly. He's in agony.
TOMMY
It's broke... Oh God... Oh God...
MATHESAR
I'll take him to medical quarters.
They exit, limping. Alexander rises, moves past Jason. Blood
trickles down his forehead. In a mocking tone...
ALEXANDER
"Go into the cloud! ...
GWEN
Alex? Where are you going?
ALEXANDER
To see if there's a pub.
He exits. The others turn to Jason, their faces sooty, their
clothing torn and bloody.
56 INT. SHIP STRATEGY ROOM
The crew sits around the room, licking their wounds. Alexander
nurses a blue beverage. Tommy examines a high tech metallic cast
on his arm.
COMPUTER
...Forward thruster shaft, 87% damage... Left vector guards, 96%
damage... Level 5 structural breaches in quadrants 32, 34, 40,
43, 58...
4/20/99 (BLUE)
JASON
And the engines?
GWEN
Computer, what about our engines? Why don't we have power?
COMPUTER
The Beryllium Sphere has fractured under stress.
GWEN
It's fractured...
JASON
Can it be repaired?
GWEN
Computer, can it be repaired?
COMPUTER
Negative. The Beryllium sphere will have to be replaced.
GWEN
We need another one.
GUY
Shit, the Beryllium sphere. That's bad...
ALEXANDER
(to Jason)
You broke the ship. You broke the bloody SHIP! I told you you
don't hold down a turbo. You push it once, maybe twice for a
boost but you don't HOLD it.
JASON
Do we have a replacement Beryllium sphere onboard?
GWEN
Computer, do we have a replacement Beryllium sphere onboard?
COMPUTER
Negative, no reserve Beryllium sphere exists onboard.
GWEN
No, we don't have an extra Beryllium sphere.
4/26/99 (PINK)
TOMMY
You know, that's really getting annoying.
GWEN
(deadly)
I have ONE job on this lousy ship. It's stupid, but I'm going to
DO it. GOT IT?
TOMMY
(intimidated)
Sure, no problem.
Suddenly the door opens and seven Aliens enter, led by Mathesar.
They look VERY SERIOUS. Guy exchanges an "uh oh" glance with
Tommy... But the aliens fall to one knee, lowering their heads.
MATHESAR
A thousand apologies. We have failed you.
JASON
You what?.. What are you talking about?
MATHESAR
(wracked with sadness)
We have seen you victorious in many more desperate situations.
The fault must lie with us, with the ship...
Gwen shoots Jason a glance... TELL THEM.
JASON
No... Listen, Mathesar. it's not your fault. We're... We're...
.....
He can't bring himself to finish.
GWEN
We're not the people you think we are.
MATHESAR
I don't understand.
ALEXANDER
Mathesar, don't you have television on your planet? Theater?
Films?
MATHESAR
The historical documents of your culture... Yes, in fact we have
begun to
(MORE)
4/28/99 (YELLOW)
MATHESAR (cont'd)
document our own history, from your example...
GWEN
No not historical documents... They're not all historical
documents... I mean... surely you don't think Gilligan's Island
is a...
Mathesar and the others exchange sad glances...
MATHESAR
Those poor people...
TOMMY
Hoo boy...
Mathesar and the others exchange quizzical looks.
GWEN
Does no one on your planet behave in a way that is contrary to
reality?
MATHESAR
Ah. You speak of...
Unable to bring the words to mind, he confers with his fellows.
MATHESAR
"Deception..." "Lies."
JASON
Well... Sort of...
MATHESAR
We have become aware of these concepts only recently. In our
dealings with Sarris. Often Sarris will say one thing, and do
another. Promise us mercy and deliver destruction... It is a
concept we are beginning to learn at some great cost.
(a worried beat)
But if you are saying that any of you could have traits in common
with Sarris.
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
He starts to laugh, and the other aliens join in.
MATHESAR
You are our protectors... Our heroes. You will save us.
Suddenly a VIEWSCREEN lights and we see Fred on the monitor from
down in the generator room.
FRED (ON SCREEN)
Hey Commander. Listen, we found some Beryllium on a nearby
planet. We might be able to get there if we re-configure the
solar matrix in parallel for endothermic propulsion. What do you
think?
JASON
I...Well, uh... Yes, absolutely.
Fred turns to two young TECHS next to him, then licks and sticks
two sticky GOLD STARS onto their wrists. They beam.
FRED
Correct! Gold star for you and a gold star for you...
57 EXT. SHIP
The ship lumbers slowly forward. In the distance we see the
swirling globe of a colorful and mysterious PLANET.
58 INT. SURFACE POD BAY - LATER
Jason, Gwen, Tommy, Fred and Guy enter the small surface pod.
Quellek, Alexander's protege, steps forward, hands Alex a device.
QUELLEK
Dr. Lazarus, here is your surface mapper. I have programed it to
the coordinates of a Beryllium Sphere of sufficient density.
ALEXANDER
Thanks.
QUELLEK
(emotional)
Good luck on your mission, Sir. By Grabthar's Hammer, by the Suns
of Warvan I wish you-
ALEXANDER
(holds up a warning finger)
Uh uh! What did we talk about?
QUELLEK
Right... Sorry, sir.
59 INT. SURFACE POD
Tommy pilots the craft as the pod approaches the beautiful and
mysterious planet. Guy looks out the window nervously.
GUY
I changed my mind. I want to go back.
ALEXANDER
After the big fuss you made about not getting left behind on the
ship?
GUY
Yeah, but that's when I thought maybe was the crewman that stays
on the shin and something is up there and it kills me, but now
I'm thinking I'm the guy who gets killed by some monster five
minutes after we land on the planet...
JASON
Guy, you're not going to get killed on the planet, okay?
GUY
Oh, I'm not? I'm not? Then what's my last name?
JASON
Your last name.
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD
GUY
Yeah, what is it?
JASON
It's... I don't know.
GUY
No. Nobody does. Do you know WHY? Because my character Isn't
IMPORTANT enough for a last name. Because I'm going to DIE five
minutes in, why bother to come up with a last name for me?
GWEN
Guy, you HAVE a last name. We just don't KNOW it.
GUY
Do I? DO I? For all you know I'm just "CREWMAN #6"!
(hysterical) Okay, it's FLEEGMAN! Guy FLEEGMAN! There! Now I'm a
whole person! I can't die! FLEEGMAN! THEY CAN'T KILL ME NOW, CAN
THEY? CAN THEY?
Jason slaps him.
GUY
See? I'm the hysterical guy who needs to be slapped, and then I
die!
ALEXANDER
(sighs)
Are we there yet?
60 EXT. SURFACE POD
The pod makes its way toward the surface.
61 INT. POD
The ship shakes as it lands. Everyone exchanges anxious glances.
As they set down everyone applauds, complimenting Tommy on the
landing. Tommy looks away, shamed.
TOMMY
Autopilot.
Everyone looks away, disappointed. Suddenly the HATCH opens with
a loud PHHHHT of air decompression. Fred has opened it.
GUY
What are you doing! You don't just open the door! It's an alien
planet! Is there air!? You don't know, do you!
3/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
Fred sniffs the air.
FRED
Seems okay.
Guy sighs.
62 EXT. PLANET SURFACE - DAY
The six exit the craft tentatively. Guy looks around,
apprehensive.
JASON
Which way, Alex?
Alexander looks down at his mapper.
ALEXANDER
This way... Wait, no, that way...
They turn in the opposite direction.
TOMMY
You were holding it upside down weren't you?
ALEXANDER
Shut up.
TOMMY
You know, with the makeup and everything1 I actually thought he
was smart for a second.
ALEXANDER
You think you could do better "Laredo?"
TOMMY
Hey, watch that "Laredo" shit.
GUY
We're screwed... We're so screwed...
JASON
All right, let's all settle down. If we're going to get through
this we're going to have to exercise self control.
GWEN
Self control? That's funny coming from the guy that slept with
every Moon Princess and Terrakian slave girl on the show!...
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
JASON
Did it ever occur to you that if you had been a little more
supportive you could have held on to me?
GWEN
I could have held on to YOU! ...
ALEXANDER
We re really going to do this HERE?
63 OMIT
64 ROCKY INCLINE - "SPOOKYVILLE"
It's darker here, more menacing. Jagged cliff overhangs form
spooky shapes. Guy looks around nervously.
JASON
How much further?
Alexander measures the distance on the device between his fingers
and holds them up.
ALEXANDER
About this much.
JASON
What's the scale? Is that ten miles? A hundred miles?
ALEXANDER
THIS much.
Guy glances back to see the rocky trench they just passed
through. The ROCK SHAPES jutting from the walls look vaguely like
arms and hands...
Suddenly Guy YELLS as he drops out of frame. The others turn to
see him on the ground, struggling, his foot lodged in a crevice
in the landscape.
GUY
It's got me it's got me! See? FIVE MINUTES! I told you!
Jason runs back and starts to help extricate Guy. He pulls his
foot free and looks around.
GUY
Something grabbed me! IT DID.
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
The others shake their heads and continue forward. Guy rises,
trying to put his shoe back on as he runs to catch up.
JASON
Easy son. It's just your imagination. Hang tough.
He clasps Guy's shoulder in a commanderly way.
GWEN
You're playing your good side.
JASON
Don't be ridiculous.
ALEXANDER
And note the sucked in gut.
TOMMY
...Sleeves rolled halfway up the biceps...
FRED
It's the rugged pose.
The all nod in agreement. Jason is about to object, when suddenly
everyone is stopped in their tracks by SPOOKY ALIEN WHISPERING
and the sound of CRITTERS climbing around the surrounding cliffs.
GUY
That's it, that's what's going to kill me.
JASON
Let's just pick up the pace a little, shall we?
65 CREST OF HILL
They climb to the crest, out of breath. Guy arrives last. They
clear the ridge and Look down onto
66 VALLEY BELOW - MINING OUTPOST
Below there is a small ABANDONED MINING FACILITY. Wind WHISTLES
through various structures and power stations. In the center of
the outpost sits a large shimmering boulder.
JASON
There it is. The Beryllium sphere.
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
ALEXANDER
Must be some sort of mining facility.
GWEN
Where are the miners?
GUY
Something BAD happened here.
TOMMY
Will you relax?
Suddenly they become aware of a SMALL BLUE CREATURE emerging from
one of the structures. It's blue and looks somewhat like a human
child. It moves to a small pool of water and begins drinking.
Its movements are very quiet and tentative. Then a few more BLUE
CHILDREN emerge and join the first.
GWEN
(smiling, amazed)
Look at that... Will you LOOK at that... They look like little
children...
ALEXANDER
Could they be the miners?
FRED
Sure. They're like, three years old.
ALEXANDER
MINERS, not MINORS.
He pronounces the two words exactly the same. Fred looks at Alex
like he's crazy.
FRED
You Okay, Alex?
GUY
I don't like this... I don't like this at all...
GWEN
Oh, they're so cute.
GUY
Of course they're cute NOW. But in a second they're going to turn
MEAN and UGLY somehow and then there are going to be a million
MORE of them!...
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
Then another blue creature emerges. This one limps, its leg is
hurt. It moves forward, DRAGGING its bad foot along the ground,
making NOISE.
EVERYONE
Awwww..... It's hurt...
Gwen rises up a little, tentatively waving at Limpy...
GWEN
Hi!... Hi there little guy...
Guy PUSHES her down behind the rock before the creatures notice.
GUY
Jesus, didn't ANY of you watch the show!?
The BLUE CHILDREN turn toward Limpy, and begin whispering in an
alien tongue...
ALIEN CHILDREN
Gorignak... Gorignak.... Nak nak!
GWEN
Aw, look. They're helping the hurt one...
Indeed the others move to the hurt creature, cocking their heads
to the side empathetically...
Then suddenly we see the aliens SMILE with SHARP RAZOR TEETH,
their mouths SPREADING OUT IMPOSSIBLY ON THEIR FACES. They
DESCEND on LIMPY, ripping him apart. We only see a GEYSER OF
BLOOD from the center of the blue circle.... Our group is
silent, horrified.
GUY
I am SO SICK of being right.
GWEN
(stunned horror)
Let's get out of here before one of those things kills guy.
JASON
We gotta get that sphere, or we aren't going anywhere.
Reluctantly, they all nod in agreement.
5/4/99 (GOLDENROD)
JASON
All right... here's the plan: First, Fred, we need a diversion
to clear those things out of the compound, then Gwen, Alex, Fred
and I go down to get the sphere. Any of those things come back,
give a signal. Guy, you set up a perimeter.
GWEN
Why does this sound so familiar?
TOMMY
"Assault on Voltareck III." Episode... 31 I think.
GUY
We're doing episode 31?
TOMMY
Whatever, the one with the hologram. The wall of fire.
GWEN
How the hell is Fred supposed to project a hologram?
GUY
We're doing episode 31, Jason?
JASON
It doesn't have to be a hologram... Just a diversion.
GUY
Jason, are we doing Episode 31 or not?
JASON
It's a rough plan, Guy! What does it matter if we're doing
episode 31 or not?!
GUY
BECAUSE I DIED IN EPISODE 31!
ALEXANDER
(interrupting)
This is ludicrous. Why are you listening to this man? Must I
remind you that he is wearing a costume, not a uniform?... He's
no more equipped to lead us than THIS fellow. (motions to Guy) No
offense.